"The truth will set you free... But first it will piss you off."
-Joe Klaas, author of "The 12 Steps to Happiness"
Dark Reflections
Woman and Water October, 2015 -
We are going to get off the travel path, and get a little real, here...
This post started as a personal letter, then was edited, and now published.
Perhaps many of you will understand, appreciate, or empathize with what follows (both in words and the many thematically-related black-and-white photographs that accompany them).
Perhaps it will just be confusing or agitating, instead. But I write because these impressions felt, in the moment, like a version of truth worth sharing. That is not to say it is the only truth, or even a verifiable part of it. But I Felt it, and now I'm Sharing it.
We are going to get off the travel path, and get a little real, here...
This post started as a personal letter, then was edited, and now published.
Perhaps many of you will understand, appreciate, or empathize with what follows (both in words and the many thematically-related black-and-white photographs that accompany them).
Perhaps it will just be confusing or agitating, instead. But I write because these impressions felt, in the moment, like a version of truth worth sharing. That is not to say it is the only truth, or even a verifiable part of it. But I Felt it, and now I'm Sharing it.
As always, my first hopes are that you are well and life fares in your favor. Also as always, we know that "life in your favor" doesn't necessarily mean luxury or ease, comfort or simplicity. My theory becomes repeatedly and progressively affirmed that what works in our "favor" is often a form of challenge, tragedy, or a burden. Que lástima... But at the same time, thank goodness! For those pains allow us ample opportunity for growth.
An Old Flame
Shadowlands Other than imminent-yet-entirely-avoidable physical danger, we carry on well, all things considered. Our hosts continue to be responsible for some of the most generous and kind experiences of my life.
Part of our Mexican experience involved a seventy year-old man who didn't know me, didn't speak English, and had no specific reason to be generous, but upon meeting me proceeded to drive me around his city buying one of nearly every local snack and dessert....
I ate five taquitos, two donuts, a sweet roll, a ham and cheese sandwich, juice, chocolate milk, three steamed tacos, a sweet tamale, a fried tortilla with sugar drizzle, and pickled veggies all in the space of a two-hour breakfast, at which point he pressured me with cold cereal! I was so terribly full that I didn't eat until the next day...
Another host, a lad of about twenty five, would stand ready at a moment's notice in the event we asked for a nighttime layover (which we did... three different times...) and yet another drove our gringo tushies across the Mexican state of Morelia three times so as to help us see an authentic, countryside Dia de los Muertos.
Part of our Mexican experience involved a seventy year-old man who didn't know me, didn't speak English, and had no specific reason to be generous, but upon meeting me proceeded to drive me around his city buying one of nearly every local snack and dessert....
I ate five taquitos, two donuts, a sweet roll, a ham and cheese sandwich, juice, chocolate milk, three steamed tacos, a sweet tamale, a fried tortilla with sugar drizzle, and pickled veggies all in the space of a two-hour breakfast, at which point he pressured me with cold cereal! I was so terribly full that I didn't eat until the next day...
Another host, a lad of about twenty five, would stand ready at a moment's notice in the event we asked for a nighttime layover (which we did... three different times...) and yet another drove our gringo tushies across the Mexican state of Morelia three times so as to help us see an authentic, countryside Dia de los Muertos.
Walking Roads
Bound and Taught There are so many more examples.... So many wonderful and charitable people who, for whatever reason, decide to allow strangers into their home, feed them, befriend them, and sacrifice for them.... It's amazing to me. I'll willing submit that I cannot decipher if these are naturally occurring attributes or hard-earned qualities. Perhaps both. Not that it matters, but I wonder all the same.
And thusly our journey also holds, as expected, a lot of ups and downs.
Sometimes I feel awful, miss the US and my family, and the idea of quitting creeps to the surface. This happens when I'm feeling more alone and wasteful than I ever have due to self-centered tendencies.
Sometimes we find parts of the world that are so beautiful it's unreal, like vast landscapes of strange plantations overthrown with furious skies that hark back to vengeful gods and powerful mysticism.
And thusly our journey also holds, as expected, a lot of ups and downs.
Sometimes I feel awful, miss the US and my family, and the idea of quitting creeps to the surface. This happens when I'm feeling more alone and wasteful than I ever have due to self-centered tendencies.
Sometimes we find parts of the world that are so beautiful it's unreal, like vast landscapes of strange plantations overthrown with furious skies that hark back to vengeful gods and powerful mysticism.
Expanse
Sometimes things feel as mundane as the shift in an office, certain parts of San José, where many local people are so caught up in their own business that it looks and feels like a small U.S. city.
Sometimes I feel frustrated and angry, like when sacrificing a unique and ecologically rich countryside only to fork out funds for plane tickets because everyone is terrified of the insurgents and guerrilla attacks at the border. It's justifiable. I'm not arguing the logic, merely lamenting the loss.
Sometimes I feel frustrated and angry, like when sacrificing a unique and ecologically rich countryside only to fork out funds for plane tickets because everyone is terrified of the insurgents and guerrilla attacks at the border. It's justifiable. I'm not arguing the logic, merely lamenting the loss.
Wisftul
In terms of exposure to new experiences, but internally and in the world, this is an incomparable experience to anything else I've done.
As mentioned, one of the most reliably impactful pieces has indeed been the people, who can singlehandedly destroy or restore one's faith in humanity.
As mentioned, one of the most reliably impactful pieces has indeed been the people, who can singlehandedly destroy or restore one's faith in humanity.
Froend (Sculpture "Broken Angel II," Jorge Marin)
The emotional roller coaster is becoming run-of-the-mill. D and I certainly are learning quite a bit about each other. Something's are very uncomfortable to learn, and others are pleasant surprises. All in all, like most things in life, it seems that the value of our spent time will wind up being whatever a traveler chooses to make of it.
Fortified
Pathways Some of said things that go not-so-well are almost entirely within myself. Mostly in my effort to escape inauthenticity and explore my emotionality. It doesn't happen all the time, but frequently I forgo patience and courtesy, instead opting for bitterness and resentment, allowing myself the liberty of feeling the primary emotion. I push myself less and less to be socialable, and lean even more into my introverted tendencies, conserving more and more energy for myself and avoiding exertive efforts in the name of easing concerns and difficulties.
It may not be wholly "evil," but I'm not sure how to healthily manage it. That's something that I'd like to continue with experimenting and learning.
It's a bit frightening, walking this path. Being authentic takes bravery, especially after a life of careful character-crafting that had people believing you're a certain kind of person. Revoking that image, and replacing it with another (especially a far less attractive one) is scary, and often painful.
I expect it's also worth it, but I could be wrong...
It may not be wholly "evil," but I'm not sure how to healthily manage it. That's something that I'd like to continue with experimenting and learning.
It's a bit frightening, walking this path. Being authentic takes bravery, especially after a life of careful character-crafting that had people believing you're a certain kind of person. Revoking that image, and replacing it with another (especially a far less attractive one) is scary, and often painful.
I expect it's also worth it, but I could be wrong...
Becoming unwound
A lot of my behaviors and underlying motivations/intuitions (when left to their own emotional devices) feel just plain self-centered, while another part may feel something like self-preservation. All the while much of it may just be Me, tired of and unwilling to censor thoughts and sugar-coat expressions as much as I used to for the sake of courtesy and conflict avoidance.
Waight
When the internal question arises, "Why not just behave like you used to?" I admit how I, for better or worse, feel so repelled from my inauthentic habits of the past.
Yet that repulsion is only partially in effect, because I still fail to fully disclose ALL of my thoughts and feelings, meaning that others are privy to my ugly disgusts but not my true desires (which, admittedly, may be even more ugly).
Yet that repulsion is only partially in effect, because I still fail to fully disclose ALL of my thoughts and feelings, meaning that others are privy to my ugly disgusts but not my true desires (which, admittedly, may be even more ugly).
It's complicated...
It seems quite a broken system of behavior, and a sometimes destructive mindset... All the same, I'm attempting to allow it to be guided and shaped by choices, environments, exposures, and higher powers to see where it leads.
It can sometimes feel lazy, and selfish, and even cruel, but I carry on in hopes of learning from experience, rather than mere mental musings. I suppose I may be waiting for my priorities to more organically shift, or an internal realization to pressure me into behavior modification. I fully recognize it's likely a vain pursuit of some quasi-formed, warped wisdom, but that, too, is a discovery that I feel compelled to make through experience and intuition, rather than manufactured supposition, conjecture, and discussion.
It can sometimes feel lazy, and selfish, and even cruel, but I carry on in hopes of learning from experience, rather than mere mental musings. I suppose I may be waiting for my priorities to more organically shift, or an internal realization to pressure me into behavior modification. I fully recognize it's likely a vain pursuit of some quasi-formed, warped wisdom, but that, too, is a discovery that I feel compelled to make through experience and intuition, rather than manufactured supposition, conjecture, and discussion.
Perspective
I can feel so stubborn, so mean, and so deconstructively cyclical at times, but a very powerful part of me is holding fast to a mentality of pushing through pain to find the truth, which, as a by-product, can sabotage some intimacy with others in the process.
I'll admit that I often do find myself wishing that I would just give up, and re-adopt the people-pleasing, approval-starved, happy-go-lucky facade that I had practiced for so long in my past, replacing what now feels like a dangerously partial version of realness for my previously pleasant self.
I'm not sure what to do.... Go against "the real me" and keep pretending, like I did when I was younger? Or to prod deeper into myself and see what I'm "really" like, even if it hurts?
I'll admit that I often do find myself wishing that I would just give up, and re-adopt the people-pleasing, approval-starved, happy-go-lucky facade that I had practiced for so long in my past, replacing what now feels like a dangerously partial version of realness for my previously pleasant self.
I'm not sure what to do.... Go against "the real me" and keep pretending, like I did when I was younger? Or to prod deeper into myself and see what I'm "really" like, even if it hurts?
Strength doesn't always feel good.
Tangled It is often uncomfortable and feels distancing to talk about these things. But I imagine that it can cultivate vulnerability and intimacy, turning soils for fertile, future growth.
It also feels gratifying, at times, to nurture and condition a discipline that recognizes, discerns, and appreciates the complex, contradictory, and paradox-riddled expanses of human minds, especially within oneself.
Most folks don't wander there, which is fine. While the inconvenience and loneliness that results from it can be unpleasant, I repeat to myself that we all have different components of humanity that form our souls, and none is worth more or less than another.
That disconnect from misunderstanding, too, is often difficult to tolerate. And I feel quite embarrassed saying that.
It also feels gratifying, at times, to nurture and condition a discipline that recognizes, discerns, and appreciates the complex, contradictory, and paradox-riddled expanses of human minds, especially within oneself.
Most folks don't wander there, which is fine. While the inconvenience and loneliness that results from it can be unpleasant, I repeat to myself that we all have different components of humanity that form our souls, and none is worth more or less than another.
That disconnect from misunderstanding, too, is often difficult to tolerate. And I feel quite embarrassed saying that.
Tight
Some would say this is all unnecessary... It is typical to spend the first twenty years of a life being ingrained and conditioned to "be nice" and follow the acclaimed laws of courtesy. But is it really better to be comforted by lies than shaken by the truth? Is it best (which is different than preferable) to be coddled by courtesy than awakened by fact? More specifically, is self-delusion not just more comfortable, but is it better than self-realization?
Solace Please don't misunderstand. I do believe in kindness, separate from just "being nice."
I don't presume to "call out" courtesy in its entirety. I do not condone cruel words, or deliberately hurtful comments and insensitive proclamations. I don't support the spouting of mal-contextualized facts in place of whole truth.
In review, I'm not even making a stance. I only hope to explore and experience this geographic and introspective journey I have undertaken, to better understand the effects and the character of truth, learn to recognize it and the role it can play in how we see the world and ourselves.
I don't presume to "call out" courtesy in its entirety. I do not condone cruel words, or deliberately hurtful comments and insensitive proclamations. I don't support the spouting of mal-contextualized facts in place of whole truth.
In review, I'm not even making a stance. I only hope to explore and experience this geographic and introspective journey I have undertaken, to better understand the effects and the character of truth, learn to recognize it and the role it can play in how we see the world and ourselves.
She awaits.
I'm sure that I've written far more than is necessary, and that I’m overstaying my literary welcome! It doesn't always do us much good to hide these thoughts, and it can even potentially prove beneficial to many when we share them!
 Look into the Future |  The Good in the Bad |
May we continue learning on many planes, and may hope exist in our minds and hearts.
I miss you all greatly. I literally dream about being home, but equally look forward to continuing on. In the meantime, try to make the best of what we have, and appreciate the Now for what it offers us.
I miss you all greatly. I literally dream about being home, but equally look forward to continuing on. In the meantime, try to make the best of what we have, and appreciate the Now for what it offers us.
All blessings be to you.
Explore the world. Make it better.
As mentioned, we have a promotional video for you to see at the fund raising site for our mission!
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
Like the photography?
There is more to see than a post has room for!
Click the links and take a gander at our internal gallery and Instagram account!
LOVE it? Visit Daniel's store here!
There is more to see than a post has room for!
Click the links and take a gander at our internal gallery and Instagram account!
LOVE it? Visit Daniel's store here!
So... Where are we now????